Let's talk about what tips & tools we can use to help deal with emotions that come up during our lives so that we can release any negativity and happily move forward.
We deep dive into feelings, why they are important, why we need to acknowledge & not sweep them under the rug, in order to heal & live our best lives.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello, and welcome to the permission givers podcast with Janelle and Alicia. Alicia is a soul coach who helps women come back to self to discover who they truly are and what they're here to do. Janelle that's me is a spiritual mentor and psychic medium who focuses on empowerment, spiritual growth, and finding your divine
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Speaker 1 (00:20):
We are are a women's empowerment podcast here to give you permission to choose yourself so you can unlock and live the life of your dreams. Let's go.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Hi guys. Welcome back to the permission givers today. We are talking about permission to feel. Now it sounds like a, um, silly subject, but we have just been discussing of air how many avoidant behaviors that we've taken in that we've seen others kind of dabble in to avoid what's really going on to avoid our feelings, to avoid feelings. So we really wanted to jump on today and talk about that permission to feel anything that's coming up for you.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Yeah. So what really did stand out in our conversation this morning for me was around and how I numb, how I numb out. And I guess that's the thing we gotta address in order to be able to feel. And if we, we start to recognize, okay, this is the thing I do. When I feel uncomfortable, it could be eating. It could be, as you were saying earlier, running like just literally throwing stuff into exercise, it could be surrounding yourself with other people. Uh, it could be, it could be, you could be really good at disassociating. So
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Lots of people are so great at disassociate.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
I say, you could be, I know I am,
Speaker 2 (01:37):
I am too. I can too. Yeah, it's a coping mechanism and that's a thing. So, um, we think sometimes when we think about avoidant behavior or numbing our feelings, we think about the obvious, which is alcohol and drugs, right? So they're probably two of the most damaging and probably two of the most widely used, you know, um, really avoidant, oh, that feels bad. Go and take this, go and drink this, go and do that. So it doesn't feel so bad. And of course we're not even gonna delve into that. Cause I know that that's not something that you and I, but it is out there. And it is, you know, similar behaviors, right. But can come with so many different forms of other issues that come along with that. So that's not personally things that we use or have used, um, to avoid our behavior.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
I, um, myself used to run 5k S every single day. And I thought that I was being really healthy, but essentially I had anxiety and my running was a way to ma to manage my anxiety. But essentially I was just running away from my feelings, literally running away from my feelings. And it wasn't until I injured my ankles, that I couldn't run. And I had to deal with my. I had to find other ways of dealing with my. So running's great. We're not saying don't run. It's so good for you. It's so freeing for the mind, but it like, are you running to avoid what you are feeling? And I certainly was absolutely was, you know, and food's another one, so many people binge eat. Yeah. And so many people binge eat that you wouldn't know by looking at them, you know? So it's not just a problem of an overweight person. Is, are we, what are we doing? What are we using to stop feeling or to change our mind path?
Speaker 3 (03:06):
And, um, you know, just in relation to that, I can see patterns that we use as, as parents, as adults. And I can see how that's passed onto my children. Yeah. So that do recognize and acknowledge and notice that they also use food as a form of numbing. When they're uncomfortable. They'll lean into that as a tool to, I guess, not feel
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Full disclosure. We talked about this in our last episode, I sat on the couch with a double huge block of chocolate and just ate it and ate it and ate it. And I feel like there is an exception to the rule. And I feel that that is when you're hormonal.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Okay. Eat all the things a hundred percent. We are not saying don't eat all the things, eat all the things, enjoy it, eat all the things this is about. And I was deep in my feelings. So I wasn't avoiding, I was eating chocolate and being deep in my feelings. That was exactly what I needed actually was to go that low and to feel that so that I could come back up again. And one thing that I was talking about actually in a reading that I was doing this morning via email was, um, when we don't feel, when we don't allow ourselves to feel something, we get a thought and we go, oh, that's yucky. And we push it back down. What have, is when it comes up next time, it's bigger. Cause it has to have more power to break through. Right. And then we push it down again and then it comes back bigger. And as I was saying, this, I'm getting this twisting in my tummy. That's like, because we're essentially just making it a bigger problem than it needs to be by avoiding dealing with that thought or feeling when it comes through the first time.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
I love that. So I have have an analogy for this, um, whole thing you're speaking about too, which is, um, that our emotions or our feelings, which is the, the topics that I permission to feel are literally being covered over by a rug within us. So internal, um, like, because, because I would feel it, the, these are not emotions that we want to feel. They're the ones we don't want to feel. They're the, the shame, the guilt, the, the frustration, the bitterness, the anger, they're the ones we don't wanna feel. And so we bury them down there under the rug. And like, you know, the term is you sweep your under the rug. That's, that's what I think about. And then I, so this is a term I use with my clients around often. The fear is if I lift the rug up, the stink down there is so bad. I literally will. I have to avoid, or I have to find some way to deal with it, which will either be covering the rug back up again. And just like leaving the there, cuz it was just too much to smell or, um, losing myself in the smell, which is depression and anxiety and literally falling on your face. But what I teach is to allow yourself to dig up a bucket of at a time, just process through a bucket of at a time. Love you don't have to take it all on.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Yeah. And you can literally just open up a corner of the rug and be like, what's here. Yes. Okay. I'm gonna deal with this and I'm gonna put the rug back down for a little bit. Yeah. But then I'm gonna open the other corner and I'm gonna get a little bit out. And that's the thing. If we can feel as we go, we're not gonna have this huge mess to clean up at the end of the day. Right. Yeah. Um,
Speaker 3 (06:15):
Becomes manageable. It
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Become manageable and we never, yeah. We are never like gonna get to a point where we're like, I am fine. I just feel my feelings all the time. And I'm fantastic. We're just, you know, there's so many coping mechanisms and all that kind of stuff there. So again, permission to fall, which we spoke about the other episode, the other day, permission to fall permission to up permission, to be sad. That's absolutely. Okay. The problem comes when we continually avoid what's going on in our life and we continually avoid our feelings. Um, someone said to me, I think I brought this up last episode too, is you have to feel it to heal it. Yes. So if you're not allowing yourself to feel it, you're not gonna heal it. Mm. You cannot wish it away. You cannot wish it away. And you know, I described this in my reading this morning too, which was so to thought or a feeling will come up at a time where it's not safe for you to feel that.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
And that's okay. So it's like, oh, push it back down. Understanding that, unless you allow yourself some time to go through that thought to feel through it, then it's gonna come back stronger. And it's probably gonna come back in an, in opportune time as well. So it's like, we have to deal with this. They can't, we don't wanna deal with these thoughts, but we have to deal with them. So, um, you know, and it's not just simply replacing a negative thought with a positive thought. It's not as simple. And that's kind of what we've been taught. That's what I feel I've been taught with positive psychology and all that kind of stuff. It's essentially going like, oh, allowing yourself to have those emotions is so important. Um, I guess, you know, we have become aware by some of our beautiful listeners that they love our podcast and it's opening up all these questions, but then they're like, what the do I do with this information? How
Speaker 3 (07:48):
Speaker 2 (07:49):
Speaker 3 (07:50):
Okay. Yeah. And so I've got one really simple tool to start acknowledging your emotions is to start labeling them, lit, start giving them life by labeling them. So when you are ha when you are in your funk, when you are in an emotion saying, I am angry saying, I am bitter saying, but literally verbalizing it and speaking it because I guess you give it life. It becomes a thing that you can now deal with whilst it's internally in you and you are avoiding and you are essentially just pretending it's not there. You can't deal with it because there's no acceptance. There's no validation, there's no acknowledgement. And those three things need to happen for you to start changing it. You need to acknowledge it, validate it and accept it. Because I guess this was our simple one Sunday, oh Friday, sorry was, um, the whole and complete woman.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
But essentially we are whole and complete humans doesn't matter what sex we are. Yeah. And when we acknowledge that all of these emotions are just part of our humanness. They're just part of who we are. And we all have them. Like there's, there's not a person on this planet that doesn't have bitterness in them that doesn't have frustration or rage or sadness, even though we don't wanna feel them. We all have them. And the moment we start to realize that we don't have to be ashamed of them, that we connect knowledge them and accept them as part of who we are. They don't have to have control over your behaviors anymore. They don't have to be the driver.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
And that's something that, um, I guess I've, I've learned myself is that there's nothing wrong with feeling. The feels. We're supposed to feel them as well. And I guess that I have accepted and like about myself now is that I am fire little. So my first response, not generally to the person, but like in my home or about a situation, be like for sake, what the are they doing? Oh my God. And it'll be that like outburst of anger. Right. And then that's gone and then I can settle myself and be like, right. Okay. How am I? And I can come really quickly back to love. Um, but I allow myself to get really angry first. Right. And I don't do anything stupid in my anger. It's more of a ver verbal kind of like thing to myself or in the car, like, you know, um, and then I can come back to that. And that's the beauty of expressing the emotion and then coming back to neutrality for the word.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
And I think, yeah, yeah. I think that's, that's exactly what I was just saying. You're very good at that. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Speaker 3 (10:23):
Uh, verbalizing so that you can validate exactly what and you know, it's like validating our own miss yes. Often
Speaker 2 (10:30):
And getting it out of the body. One of my good friends, who's very wise. He always says, it's energy in motion. When you get it outta your body, when you speak about it, cuz often we feel guilt when we're like, I just am so frustrated at this and this person and we feel bad about it. Right. And then he always says, this is energy in motion. You're getting it outta your body. And that's great. So often we're scared to speak life into something like that. We feel like a fear, like a failure or, and it's like, no, no, no. We're actually doing the best thing we can is by letting that out of the body, it's like letting off some steam, literally from our body and going okay, that's outta the body now. And it doesn't feel quite so bad.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Also. The other thing that is empowering about articulating and verbalizing your emotions is that you start to have a better idea of the messages in your body. Yes. So when your body is communicating with you and you're literally avoiding labeling what that thing is, that's going on in your body, you having less awareness you, your, your awareness is stunted around what your body is trying to tell you. And so the more you verbalize, like I could be like the, of a heartbeat or the dryness in your throat, the sweaty palms. It could be all sorts of things that are going on in your body that are trying to give you messages about your emotions. So that could be another way to break it down again. Like if you dunno what the emotion is, start labeling the things that are going on in your body to have more awareness that you are actually having an emotion.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
Speaker 3 (12:01):
So, and, and then, then that, that is the beginning to allowing yourself to start feeling, cuz you're now like acknowledging and accepting. Something is going on in the, and
Speaker 2 (12:13):
We're supposed to feel, and we're supposed to feel ups and downs and peaks and tr we're not supposed to be, uh, flat lining or moving up a little bit, cuz we're essentially numb and that's not what we wanna be. I've been there before and that's not, not how we wanna live our life. And something that I often say to my clients is, um, toddlers are so great. Like kids come here and they know innately how to be. Right. And we like try and program them, program them to be good humans and to function in society. Right. So if you a toddler off, they will yell at you. They will throw themselves on the floor and then they'll get back up and be like, love you. And we're like, you are a psychopath. Right. But essentially, and that's not to say that we should be having toddler tantrums because we shouldn't because we learn what's acceptable and how we should behave and all that kind of stuff as well.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
But toddlers innately know, let this outta my body and it's gone. Yes. Whereas we will be like, you me off, but I'm gonna hold it in. Particularly women. I'm gonna hold it in right. For six months and then I'm gonna yell at you about it. Yes. And I've always been pretty bad at this. I remember saying things to you, like, I've just read this and I'm not gonna say anything cuz I'm just, I'm just gonna keep it in my brain. And then five minutes later I'll be like, so that didn't last very well.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Like soon as I saw my husband, I'd be like, um, I just don't have that. Maybe I'm a toddler, but it's, it's really powerful to express how you're feeling. And that doesn't mean we have tantrums and slam doors and all that kind of stuff. But if you are off, sit with why I'm mad. Why am I mad? Is this about me? Is this about them? What's coming up under the madness. Do I need to go and have a conversation with them about it? We're not saying yell at everyone, but we're just saying don't suppress how you feel.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
Yeah. And what I'm thinking and feeling right now too, is how, um, often there's another saying around trying to hurt somebody else by drinking the poison ourselves. Mm so, and, and that's essentially, it is if, if we feel hurt or better or frustrated towards somebody else, we will often, that's what holding anger is, is hurting ourselves to hurt somebody else often. And so allowing yourself to realize that you know that that's not gonna serve you or them like really, they don't give a. If someone's deliberately hurt you, they don't care that you hold onto that anger. It's it's, as
Speaker 2 (14:34):
They don't even know, they don't even half the time. They're not even thinking. And that's um, you know, coming back to my coach, Lina, who we've had on the show as well is she loves boxing. She's a powerhouse. I would not wanna get in the ring with her, you know, tiny little woman who will you upright. But she wholeheartedly sees boxing as a spiritual practice as a somatic practice because you're transmuting your anger into exercise. And she, she actually talks about the body as being almost something separate to us, like a wild being, right. That we have to give what it needs so we can intellectualize our emotions and we can make sense of them and we can sit with them. Right. But if you are angry, you gotta find a way to get rid of that anger, transmute boxing. Yeah. So we need to transmute that energy. So that could be boxing that could be running. That could be whatever.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
So it's not screaming off a bucking cliff.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
We screamed off the top of big rock of the U yangs of the group of women on Friday night as part of our circle. And the echo back was just like our, forget it. It was incredible.
Speaker 3 (15:33):
You said so good. That's the ancestors responding was what you said.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
It came bad. I was like, oh my gosh. We're not, we're never screaming alone. There's people that are angry with us, right? So this is not just about anger. This is about every emotion that we have. Um, again, you've gotta feel it to heal it. Another exercise that I sometimes give my clients is to is particularly if they're going through some like a time and they're feeling not self, um, is to put a hand on heart, hand on tummy and just check in with yourself, how am I feeling today? And they might be like, I'm feeling really resentful and they can do this on their own. You can have this conversation in your own head. You don't have to verbalize it. I'm feeling really resentful. And then to knowledge, I'm feeling okay, fair enough. This is going on in your life. And that's annoying.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
And I can see why it's annoying and that's fair. So instead of going, oh, but you have this and trying to squash it down with gratitude, which we do so much. If fair, man, you're dealing with some you're carry a lot. I don't blame you for being resentful, acknowledge, trusting, allowing that feeling to rise. And then I'm like put on a song that feels like how you feel. Right. And then just sit there for that song, which is generally about four minutes and feel that feeling in its intensity because, and I feel that the song music is so great for our emotions, but I feel that the song gives a time point. So you're not scared to it. You're stuck in that emotion. Right? So if you're really angry and you don't wanna be real angry all day, put on an angry song and sit there and just be like, I'm gonna angry with this song. And you'll find as the song tees out, you'll be like, awesome. That anger is gone. And that's the thing about emotions. They're a vapor. We can let them out as a vapor, but if we don't let them out as a vapor, they're gonna harden and they're gonna turn into a rock. That's really hard to get outta your body.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
Yeah. Yeah. You know, they, they do, they, they fester. That's the other thing I talk about when it comes to the bucket of that's down there that we suppress is that, um, the deeper and the more we pile on top of it, the more it Fe is, and the Sten here it gets. And so, and, and the harder it gets to open up the rug. Yeah. And, and that's on honestly, where a lot of people start. So when I, when I talk about doing the work, when it comes to working through your emotions and, and I guess leveling up the way you love yourself, cuz I would say self love is like a key component to becoming a better person. That is, to me, essentially doing the work. It is allowing yourself to start digging up. What's down there that needs to be looked at.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
And you know, more than that, I feel like often it's so scary. It's so scary. It's so overwhelming to have a look at it's scary because what it needs is compassion and love and forgiveness. And it's like, how do I love my shame? How do I love my grief? How do I love my sadness? How do I love my guilt? This is, this is the key I feel. Um, when we realize that we, we can and we realize that we are no different to anybody else that everybody else carries these as well. And they are also worthy. I think you always use this as a tool for me when I'm in my fun can, I'm in my. You're always like, see the position you're in now, but see somebody else in it. You are like, you view it as if it was your children view it as if it was me and ask yourself, what, what kind of advice would you give them? Would you tell them to be taking on all of this and to be repressing themselves or withdrawing or hiding or limiting? Um, and often, well, not often we'd always say no. If it was someone we loved, we'd be like, no, no, no, no. You are so much more worthy than that. You do not need to limit yourself based in, in whatever funky story that's coming up. You're worthy of. You're worthy of being seen and being loved and being known in all of your mess.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Yeah. And if you feel your feelings, you won't get stuck there. If you make it a habit to regularly feel your feelings, you won't get stuck there. It's only when you don't that you get stuck there. And if you don't express your anger to someone else that anger turns inward and be can, can become depression for you that can become angry itself. You know, um, and understanding that we are whole humans who are supposed to feel all of these feelings is really important. And what you were saying about self love. So self love is the ultimate journey that that's doing the work. Right. But we don't love someone that we don't know. So you cannot say that you love a partner. If you don't wholeheartedly know them. That's part of the process of falling in love with someone is getting to know them, right? So you have to get to know yourself, even the bits.
Speaker 3 (20:06):
Yeah. Because you can only know somebody as deep as they know themselves. Exactly. And you can only allow yourself to be known as deep as you know yourself.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
Yep. And that's about being curious. And we talked about this this morning actually, before we even jumped on on the podcast was, um, curiosity, just being curious to what feelings come up, asking yourself questions and not prejudging them. Just being curious with the information that comes up is so important as well. How am I feeling about this?
Speaker 3 (20:33):
That's what I say. The quality of the questions we ask ourselves and how we ask. So stop asking and why like literally stop asking why it is a thing that potentially puts us back into victim mode. Start asking how like, if you are in a place that you've, you've found yourself that you, you are not happy with that, you, it's not comfortable. You're sitting in some emotions that are not comfortable ask yourself, how, how can I change this? What needs to shift? What can I move? What can I acknowledge? What can I accept? Um, asking ourselves how and what questions rather than why questions cuz why puts us back into this, this victim mode, like it's happening to us and we have no power over
Speaker 2 (21:16):
It. Yeah. Why me? Um, yeah. And that's I, when, as you were saying that, I was like, mm. And then I realized that it's the, what? That is the powerful, not the why. It's the what? So what is bringing up for me is always an amazing question. So when you're triggered by someone else, when you trigger yourself, when your kids trigger you, when someone's triggering you, right. What's this actually bringing up for me. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Well that brings the acknowledgement, but how is how you fix it?
Speaker 2 (21:41):
Yeah. But I feel like first you need to work out. Why, uh, sorry. What? And not many people go there, you know?
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Speaker 2 (21:46):
That's fairly new for too. So even just as a really quick example, before we, we wind up, but in the car, if someone cuts you off and you're stressing out and you're running late, it's like, what's actually going on for me here. And if you delve deep into that, you might be like, I don't wanna be late. Okay. What's going on for you there? I feel like I'm not worthy if I rock up late.
Speaker 3 (22:06):
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Bing, Bing, Bing.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
See, this is the quality of the questions you're asking yourself that can lead you to having breakthroughs
Speaker 2 (22:13):
And with women it's often when we get down deeper. And so it's not just that one ask, but why is that a problem? But what's coming up here and what's coming up here generally. We're going back to worthiness with women.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
And often we are going all the way back to childhood as, and the patterns and the programming that we were conditioned with at a really young age that have created some drama or just sadness or grief. That's underlying, that's created a pattern that's continued to play out into our adult lives.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
And that is an episode for another day. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
Yes, it will be
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Awesome. Thank you guys so much for listening. If you haven't hit follow, please hit follow. It really helps us. You'll get notifications when we drop new episodes. And once again, we give you permission to feel. Thanks for listening guys. Bye.
Speaker 3 (23:00):
Thank you. See ya.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Thank you so much for listening in. It would mean the world to us. If you could give us a follow and even share an episode on your social media to help empower a friend of your, feel free to check out some of our other motivational episodes. And until next time we are giving you permission to live your best life. Bye.